


Wash Day

by Mutive



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-05
Updated: 2011-03-05
Packaged: 2017-10-16 02:50:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/167629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mutive/pseuds/Mutive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After leaving the tower, Cullen finds redemption in the ordinary and mundane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wash Day

Cullen saw her standing by the fountain at the edge of town, washing her clothing. Her strong arms dipped in and out of the water, her calloused hands dragging sopping clothing from bucket to bucket, beating out the dirt in between. There was something so simple and yet so pure in that. He liked the idea that stains could be washed away with little more than water and lye.

He'd asked her if he could help her carry the load home. On the way to the fountain, the clothing did not seem so heavy. But laden with water, he imagined that it strained her small waist, her delicate frame. She smiled and accepted so he hefted a basket in his arms. It was near as heavy as his templar armor had been, and he wondered how such a slender thing as her managed it.

She smiled when he set the basket down by her home, so that she could begin hanging the garments to dry in the sweet, spring air. And when he asked her for her name, she gave it to him with a smile. "It's Goldanna," she said. "Goldanna. Like the flower."

He thought she was like the bloom. Pretty and simple, without much complication. It was a nice change from the exotic, treacherous beauties of the tower. He left her with a smile, vowing to return on the next wash day to help her again if she needed it.

DA:O

"It is good to have a man around," Goldanna said. After the third time he had helped her, she had invited him in for tea. It was not much, she had said. But he appreciated the chance to pass an hour with someone other than the men in the local guard.

"It's good to be in polite company," Cullen said. It was. He'd missed having children running about. He'd been forced to give that up, to become a templar. And it had been hard. Harder than the celibacy had been, really. There'd only been one woman who'd made him regret that he could never partake of the pleasures of the flesh, while there were so many lonely nights where he thought about how he'd been raised and wished that he could have a life like that. A simple house, a warm bed, the smile of a child. He told himself that his job was to make the world safe for all of the children. But he couldn't help but yearn for children of his own to protect.

"You think this is polite?" Goldanna said. Her words had a way of challenging him. He'd already learned that she would not sit quietly and agree with everything he might say. He liked that about her. It was a nice change from silky voices and women who hoped to persuade him with their charms to let them out of the tower, let them into his mind, force him to think of them and desire.

"It's normal," Cullen said, taking a drink of the tea. The mug was chipped, but that only made it feel more real. The small house he'd grown up in had had mugs like these. He remembered it only in vague feelings and images. Like most templar candidates, he'd been given to the Chantry when he was still very young. He was one too many mouths to feed, and his father had thought it better to give Cullen to the Chantry than to leave the youngest to die of exposure. He hadn't minded the Chantry – not really. It gave him place and purpose, a purpose that was renewed after the Circle was overcome by the blood mages. But this being in town was a nice change. It was normal. After everything that had happened, Cullen liked normal.

Goldanna shook her head, and he thought she was about to throw him out, but instead she only tisked at him. "I suppose if you're willing to trade an afternoon's work for a cup of tea, I'd be the last one to tell you no," she said.

He'd do more than carry her laundry, he thought, if she would accept it. But he wasn't sure, so he decided not to offer.

DA:O

"You just keep coming," Goldanna said. He had. Her presence was a balm of sorts, so he sought her out each wash day. Besides, he thought that she liked him helping her, and it was easy to do so. He would prefer to carry her washing than to spend his afternoon off alone, sitting and doing nothing in his small, cold apartment.

"I do," Cullen said, hoisting the heavy load in his arms. It was less uncomfortable with practice. He thought he was becoming accustomed to the loads, to the sound of her voice, even to her children playing. There no longer seemed something miraculous about it. It was merely her life, difficult at times, pleasant at others, but mostly mundane.

Goldanna looked at him curiously. "You've never asked anything of me," she said.

"It's not like that," Cullen said. She was a lovely woman, but he had abandoned any hope of that long ago, when he had taken his vows. He may have left the tower – and done horrible things in the process of leaving – but he was not such a different person than he had been when he was a templar. And even if he were, he did not expect to be able to walk into someone else's life and have a place there, just because he was willing to carry a load of laundry from time to time.

"What is it, then?" Goldanna asked. Her tone demanded an answer.

"I like you," Cullen said. He looked down at her. Her pretty face seemed confused by the answer, as though he couldn't like being around a woman without demanding more. "I like being around you. I don't expect more."

Goldanna shook her head at this, as though he'd said something ridiculous. But she continued to walk beside him until they were nearly back to her house before she said, "Maybe you should."

DA:O

The words tormented Cullen, and he missed the next wash day as he was not sure he could stand to be around her, after that. He had never asked anything of Goldanna, other than those occasional smiles she gave, or the sight of her face lighting up when he did something especially useful. Did she think that he was only helping her so that he could get her...favors? The idea sickened Cullen. He had never demanded something like that from any woman, had never been so much as touched anywhere other than the arm. The closest he had come to something sinful was a brief infatuation with a mage that had only led to disaster when she had spared the lives of abominations and freed the Circle to work its forbidden magic without Chantry guidance. And even that infernal relationship had never been physical. And would not have been, Cullen thought, even if she had wanted it to be. He kept his vows.

During the long hours of his watch, Cullen puzzled over why Goldanna might have thought that he might demand something of her. Was it normal for men to spend time with women only when they...wanted something? As he thought more about the conversation, he wondered whether it was not that men demanded more, but that women did. The thought upset him to such a degree that he was not sure he could see her again. He was good and chaste and pure. He refused to give into temptation. He had resisted the desire demon who had worn Neria's face for weeks during his imprisonment. He would not give in to lust now for the sake of a mere washer woman.

DA:O

It was late when she came for him. Not Goldanna, but her oldest daughter, Rosa. She'd arrived late at night, knocking on the door as though a demon were after her.

"You're the man who helps Ma with the washing, right?" Rosa asked, smoothing her skirts as if she had only just realized how inappropriate it was for a young maiden to be running about outside in the middle of the night.

"Yes," Cullen said. A sudden fear seized his heart. This girl would not be here if it was not for something important. "What is it?"

"Derick, my youngest brother, is very ill," Rosa said. "Ma has been up all night, worrying and crying. But she can't afford to call the doctor. I'm afraid he might die. And I couldn't think of anything that might help. Until I thought of you, and thought that maybe you could do something."

Cullen wouldn't let a child die. But he didn't know that he could do much to help her, either. He knew nothing about either healing or children. He considered possibilities for a long minute before he realized that he had some money left over from his salary as a guard. He could give it to Rosa, he thought. He could afford to eat less, or live off of the stew that was given to the guards free of charge, until he was paid again. It might help, even if he could not. He took the pouch from his belt. "Use this to get a doctor," he said, placing the small bag in her hands. She thanked him before running out the door, pulling her shawl tight about her shoulders. It was only after she'd turned the corner that he thought that he should have gone with her, to protect her from whoever might want to hurt a young girl so late at night. But before he could call after her, she had vanished. He hoped nothing happened to her and that he was right in his suspicion that the money might do some good.

DA:O

He arrived at home after work a few days later to find that Goldanna was waiting for him by his door.

"I wanted to thank you for what you did," she said, following him indoors. "The doctor...he wasn't sure Derry would have made it much longer without some kind of medicine."

"Is he well?" Cullen asked. Whether what he had done had helped or not didn't really matter, just as long as the child lived.

Goldanna nodded. "He survived the night. With the Maker's grace," she said.

If that was so, then living on porridge and beans for a few days was well worth it.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" Cullen asked. It seemed polite to offer her something.

Goldanna nodded and sat in silence as he boiled the water. Once it was ready, he set the glass before her in a cracked mug and sat across from her. He watched her take the mug in her strong hands, and his eyes traced over the bones of her wrists as she held the tea to her lips and took a sip.

She must have noticed how he was watching her, for she said, "It didn't cost all the money to call the doctor," she said. She handed him his pouch. He looked inside. Most of the money was still there. It had cost so little to save the life of a child.

"Thank you," he said. "You could have kept it."

Her calloused hands grasped her mug, her strong arms holding it tight. "I won't be beholden to you. I'll pay it back, when I can."

Cullen looked at her with new eyes. She was thin, but it was not just a natural slenderness. He thought that she must eat far less well than he did. Even in the hardest times, there had always been food in the Chantry. And the guards fed him well enough, even without his additional pay to supplement his diet. "You don't need to," he said. "It was a gift. Freely given." He handed the pouch back to her. "Keep it. Just in case you need it again."

She looked at the money for a long minute before taking it. "I suppose in my position, I can't afford to be prideful," she said. She turned the pouch over in her hands for a long minute before she set a hand on his forearm, just above the wrist. "I want to do something to repay you for your kindness."

Cullen laid his hand on his. It was warmed from the tea. "Y-you can offer me a cup of tea the n-next time I carry your wash," he said. He didn't know that he could take this. He had never wanted this of her, and she ought to know that.

"I want to do more than that," Goldanna said. She leaned over the table, and brushed her lips against his. They were soft and warm and it took every bit of his will power to push her away.

She sat across from him, her eyes stricken. "Why do you refuse letting me give you the one thing I have to offer?" she asked. He had never seen her face so sad, and wanted to reach out to comfort her. He stayed himself by remembering his training, even though he knew that pretty, ordinary Goldanna could not be a desire demon.

"It's not that simple," Cullen said. He did not know how much he could tell her. The Chantry was still looking for him over what he had done in the tower. And even if she would not turn him in, she would hate him if she knew. Even now, he could see the blood on his hands, and hear Keili's screaming. He hadn't meant to do it, not really. No after he had realized that the apprentices were not possessed.

"Why isn't it?" Goldanna asked. She seemed cross, but he was relieved to see that it was in her usual way. "You're a man. I'm a woman. I've seen the way you look at me."

He had, when he had thought she wouldn't notice. When he could not force himself to tear his eyes away. Sometimes, late in the night, he even imagined what it would like to be to be married to her. To feel her soft and warm in his arms late at night. To feel her lips on his, her hair brushing over his chest. In the darkest nights, sometimes he even allowed himself to think of sinful things.

"I was Chantry raised," Cullen said. Enough were that she was unlikely to think of him as the mad templar just from that statement. "I can't do that to a woman."

"Enough do," Goldanna said. "Even templars, I hear. There are rumors that some used to treat the Tower like their own private harem."

"It wasn't like that," Cullen said. It hadn't been. He never had, never would have...but then he thought of what Carol gossiped about late at night, and wondered if every templar had been as pure. But then he thought he might have said too much so he said, "I-I'm sure most are good and righteous men."

"They're still men," Goldanna said.

She would not win this one. "Men can rise above their baser instincts," Cullen said. Even if at times he wished he did not have to.

Goldanna tossed her head. She had finished her tea. "Well, if you change your mind, let me know," she said. "I do like having a man around, and you're better than most."

DA:O

Cullen had thought that it would be easy to ignore Goldanna. It was not. He found himself missing the most foolish things. It was not just her conversation or the way she smiled, but also how having her children around made her feel as though he was part of something greater than himself, the way the Chantry had at its best. He missed the clean scent of laundry as he helped her to hang it. He missed the way she brewed tea, and how his never tasted the same, no matter what he did.

He wanted to have her back in his life, even if he wondered how he could do it with honor. He did not want to see her, if she would proposition him again, touch him again, make him be lustful. And he did not know he could resist her a second time. At times he wondered why he wanted to.

DA:O

After a month, he visited her house on his day off, dressed in his best shirt and breeches. Cullen knew little about how such things were done, but he wished to look presentable, at least. He paused by the door before knocking it. Rosa opened it, and led him in to see Goldanna.

"You've decided to return, have you?" Goldanna asked. Her voice was sharp, and he wondered if he had made a mistake in coming back.

"I-I wanted t-to ask you something," Cullen said. He drew in a deep breath, and decided that it was now or never. He knelt before her and took her hand. "I-I was w-wondering if you would m-marry me," he said. He waited for a second, and when she said nothing continued with, "I-I like you. And your children. A-and you said it would be good to have a man around. I was t-thinking I could be that man." It was the only way he could conceive of for them to be together without dishonor.

He dared to look up at her face. She seemed surprised. Astonished, even. "You don't have to marry me," she said. Her eyes were sad. "I'd do what you wanted, without that."

"I want to," Cullen said. "I want to be in your life, in your family. I don't just want to u-use you." He desperately hoped that she felt the same. If she only wanted him for immoral reasons, it was tarnish the good memories he had of her.

She stood and pulled him to his feet, before taking his face in her hands. "If you want to, despite that all you'll be getting is a washer woman with five mouths to feed, I won't refuse you," she said.

"I do," Cullen said, before letting her pull him down into a kiss.


End file.
